does anyone else out there find it incredible how soon after the birth of the baby people ask you either 1) when will the next one be coming? (if it is your first baby) or 2) so are you done? (if it is a subsequent baby). i've gotten this question after the birth of each boy, sometimes even the SAME day of the birth. why is everyone so concerned with how many kids a person has, and how they will be spaced? in my experience, i am not anywhere near ready to consider another baby (whether there will be one or not) immediately after the birth of a new one! yikes, annoying.
for me the subject of being "done" is a tough one because our kids have come so quickly and are so closely spaced. it's very hard for me to think "this is it" when i've not had a chance to say goodbye to babyhood in three years. it's hard to think "i'd better appreciate this day/moment/month, because it will be the last time i dress a child in a newborn outfit, or breastfeed, or give birth, or.....". there's been no time to sit and rest and ponder how many children i want or can handle or see us having. mike was "done" after two. now he tells everyone we know he's 200% sure that he's done after three. i'm not feeling it. this could be in big part because i've just had a baby and can't go there right now. it could be because i'm still in the midst of babyhood, in some sense, with all three boys, and can't imagine saying goodbye to it forever. it could also be because maybe i truly don't feel "done." i don't plan to make the decision for at least three more years (even if mike is sure he's already made it for me.)
every woman i speak with tells me the same thing: "you just know when you're done." i knew after benjamin that i wasn't. after gavin, i still don't feel done. maybe in a year or so i'll feel it. maybe when finances get tighter, i'll be forced to accept it. maybe after dealing with three bouncing boys i'll be so exhausted that i demand it. but right now, i don't. i'm just not sure what that means.
3 comments:
hi honey,
You are amazing. To get right back to your work and handle motherhood and marriage, you are the one who is the rock star :)
Thinking of you...Sonia xx
My DH and I have very similar views to you and your DH. ;-) I very much do not feel "done" and I think that is a feeling that I have learned to respect as much as the feeling that women (and men!) have when they feel that their family is complete. =) It can be so hard in the day to day "OMG if 3 boys are like this then adding one more child would surely make it 100 times harder" to think about having another child. And I agree it is very personal and annoying to inquire, of other than a very close friend, if they are "done" having children. I try to be sensitive to that. Take each day as it comes and realize that next year, and three years from now will be SO DIFFERENT than now. Who knows what your hearts will say then?
It's not anyone's place to ask when you are done. It might just be easier for Mike to say he is now...he may change his mind after Gavin has grown into a two, three or even four year old, and he yearns for another young one. You will always have enough love for any number of children you will end up "stopping" with.
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