does anyone else out there find it incredible how soon after the birth of the baby people ask you either 1) when will the next one be coming? (if it is your first baby) or 2) so are you done? (if it is a subsequent baby). i've gotten this question after the birth of each boy, sometimes even the SAME day of the birth. why is everyone so concerned with how many kids a person has, and how they will be spaced? in my experience, i am not anywhere near ready to consider another baby (whether there will be one or not) immediately after the birth of a new one! yikes, annoying.
for me the subject of being "done" is a tough one because our kids have come so quickly and are so closely spaced. it's very hard for me to think "this is it" when i've not had a chance to say goodbye to babyhood in three years. it's hard to think "i'd better appreciate this day/moment/month, because it will be the last time i dress a child in a newborn outfit, or breastfeed, or give birth, or.....". there's been no time to sit and rest and ponder how many children i want or can handle or see us having. mike was "done" after two. now he tells everyone we know he's 200% sure that he's done after three. i'm not feeling it. this could be in big part because i've just had a baby and can't go there right now. it could be because i'm still in the midst of babyhood, in some sense, with all three boys, and can't imagine saying goodbye to it forever. it could also be because maybe i truly don't feel "done." i don't plan to make the decision for at least three more years (even if mike is sure he's already made it for me.)
every woman i speak with tells me the same thing: "you just know when you're done." i knew after benjamin that i wasn't. after gavin, i still don't feel done. maybe in a year or so i'll feel it. maybe when finances get tighter, i'll be forced to accept it. maybe after dealing with three bouncing boys i'll be so exhausted that i demand it. but right now, i don't. i'm just not sure what that means.
10.29.2009
10.25.2009
gearing up for some halloween fun
ghosts and pumpkins!
a sneak peek at our low-maintenance halloween "costumes" this year:
our littlest "things"
a sneak peek at our low-maintenance halloween "costumes" this year:
our littlest "things"
10.24.2009
twins
i realize it's not unusual for siblings to resemble one another, but these two could be twins!!!!
benj:
gavin:
benj:
gavin:
benj:
.JPG)
gavin:
jack's one-month photos show some similarities, too, though not as many.
benj:
gavin:
benj:
gavin:
benj:
.JPG)
gavin:
jack's one-month photos show some similarities, too, though not as many.
home birth study
gracias to carrie for pointing this one out to me. a month ago a new study was released in canada, research carried out by a group of MDs and PhDs, that looked at:
2889 cases of planned homebirth with a registered midwife
4752 cases of planned hospital birth with registered midwives
5331 cases of planned hospital birth with physicians attending
all in british columbia between 2000-2004. women in all three groups met the same parameters-- were all low risk enough that home birth was an option for all.
perinatal mortality rates for 1 in 1000 births (baby dying at birth or in the first several days following) were as follows:
.35 in the homebirth group
.57 in the hospital birth with midwife group
.64 in the hospital birth with physician group
other adverse outcomes (to maternal and neonatal health) were better in the homebirth group vs. the hospital groups, too, but i'll spare you the statistics.
for those of us who choose homebirth, the first reaction of many family and friends is "why would you put yourself/your baby at risk?" it's always an irony to those who have done a lot of reading on this subject because study after study shows that homebirth is always as safe, if not safter, than hospital birth. time after time. yet the cultural perspective of "danger, danger" prevails. it's not unusual to think that a dr. could provide better care than a midwife simply because their education is more extensive. but the U.S. has one of the very highest maternal and neonatal mortality rates out of all industrial countries in the world, even though we are hands down the most medically interventive when it comes to birth. with mothers and babies dying at such a high rate, it's obvious to me that in the case of childbirth, more is not better. thank god the technology exists for those who need it, but for those with low risk, normal pregnancies, turning oneself into the surgeon's bag of tricks seems overly risky for both moms and babies. i only wish more american women were aware of the experiences of countries like japan, new zealand, the netherlands, and others, who traded O.B. and hospital-dominated birthing for midwife-attended births (leaving hospitals and OBs for those who truly need to transfer into their care). in those instances, perinantal, neonatal, and maternal mortality rates plummeted. when women and babies are healthier, isn't that the true test?
2889 cases of planned homebirth with a registered midwife
4752 cases of planned hospital birth with registered midwives
5331 cases of planned hospital birth with physicians attending
all in british columbia between 2000-2004. women in all three groups met the same parameters-- were all low risk enough that home birth was an option for all.
perinatal mortality rates for 1 in 1000 births (baby dying at birth or in the first several days following) were as follows:
.35 in the homebirth group
.57 in the hospital birth with midwife group
.64 in the hospital birth with physician group
other adverse outcomes (to maternal and neonatal health) were better in the homebirth group vs. the hospital groups, too, but i'll spare you the statistics.
for those of us who choose homebirth, the first reaction of many family and friends is "why would you put yourself/your baby at risk?" it's always an irony to those who have done a lot of reading on this subject because study after study shows that homebirth is always as safe, if not safter, than hospital birth. time after time. yet the cultural perspective of "danger, danger" prevails. it's not unusual to think that a dr. could provide better care than a midwife simply because their education is more extensive. but the U.S. has one of the very highest maternal and neonatal mortality rates out of all industrial countries in the world, even though we are hands down the most medically interventive when it comes to birth. with mothers and babies dying at such a high rate, it's obvious to me that in the case of childbirth, more is not better. thank god the technology exists for those who need it, but for those with low risk, normal pregnancies, turning oneself into the surgeon's bag of tricks seems overly risky for both moms and babies. i only wish more american women were aware of the experiences of countries like japan, new zealand, the netherlands, and others, who traded O.B. and hospital-dominated birthing for midwife-attended births (leaving hospitals and OBs for those who truly need to transfer into their care). in those instances, perinantal, neonatal, and maternal mortality rates plummeted. when women and babies are healthier, isn't that the true test?
10.15.2009
beaurocratic frustrations.
it's my first day back at the dissertation. alison, our prized part-time nanny, is back in DSM and is able to work in a few days here and there to watch jack and benj so i can get back to work. what has my first day brought me? not a lot of diss. writing, unfortunately. instead, i find myself answering and sending and responding to emails from my adviser and committee members about my damn committee. the beaurocratic hoops and inter-departmental politics are wearing thin on me. i'm really ready to be done-o. on the up side, i think today's email wars have landed me in a safe spot, with a fairly secure committee. for now.
what bothers me the most is my adviser's complete inability to appreciate me as a WHOLE person, with joys and weaknesses and pursuits outside of (or even in addition to) my academic, intellectual pursuits. she consistently refuses to acknowledge me as a parent, or show any interest or concern about my family or personal life. i used to consider her a mentor in my pre-kids life, but now i can barely see her more than as an intellectual adviser. for me, a mentor is supportive of you holistically, and helps you reach your goals while cultivating a happy balance in your life. my adviser is simply unable to do that. she has an obvious disdain for anything that detracts from one's intellectual pursuits, and she all but tolerates that her students have children along the way of their dissertation journeys. it's a sad thing to feel that i have to hide or talk around my responsibilities, or even joys, of being a new mom. i emailed her to tell her about the birth of gavin and to let her know i'm back at the dissertation. her email reply began with a one line "glad to hear that you and gavin are healthy and the birth went smoothly." the rest of the email was about how important it is that i'm back to work and i'm productive and that i cannot graduate in may unless i crank this draft out in record time, blah blah blah. jesus, my baby is 2 weeks old and i'm already spending 8 hours today in my basement working on my damn dissertation. even full-time working parents get a longer maternity leave than that! i'm on my third child so i can make it work, but someone on their first would not be ready.
her email was also filled with how reading the chapters i've sent to her must take low priority because she has so many responsiblities as the incoming president of the american anthropological association. and her partner, who is now president of the international american studies association, is taking her to a conference in beijing where they have lots of work to do. and she has to give a distinguished lecture in a month, and, and, and, and..... (you can read all that as, "I'm very important. You could be, too, if you learned to focus on something other than having babies.") yes, i'm being overly sensitive. but you'd be surprised how much of what i say is an actual representation of this woman's perspecive. she is a rock star in her field, and i admire her for that, but it's just so not my goal to follow suit.
true, i'm the one who has taken the slow route to this degree by having children (three, nonetheless) before graduating. and true, it's her job as my adviser to push me, sternly if needed, toward productivity and finishing. it's not in her job description to be a personal support person to me. and it's to her serious credit that she is not even with my university anymore, yet she remains on board with me, seeing me through to the (no doubt bitter) end. i just wish she could try--feign, even--- to show a little interest and caring in me as a person, beyond how many pages i'm producing.
still, despite my blood boiling over her academic narrow-mindedness, i look down at the precious sleeping baby who is peacefully allowing me to deal with all this crap. and i remind myself that i wouldn't trade one moment of my parenting adventures for all the anthropological, ivory tower glam she enjoys every day. i've indeed taken the slow route to my degree, and i likely won't have the same driven career path i might have if i'd finished before kids, but my slow route has brought me infinite other happinesses. becoming a parent has opened up a love so fierce and memories so painfully treasured that no rock star career ever could have matched. as long as i'm happy at the end of this journey, i won't care how i got there. or even where i've landed.
what bothers me the most is my adviser's complete inability to appreciate me as a WHOLE person, with joys and weaknesses and pursuits outside of (or even in addition to) my academic, intellectual pursuits. she consistently refuses to acknowledge me as a parent, or show any interest or concern about my family or personal life. i used to consider her a mentor in my pre-kids life, but now i can barely see her more than as an intellectual adviser. for me, a mentor is supportive of you holistically, and helps you reach your goals while cultivating a happy balance in your life. my adviser is simply unable to do that. she has an obvious disdain for anything that detracts from one's intellectual pursuits, and she all but tolerates that her students have children along the way of their dissertation journeys. it's a sad thing to feel that i have to hide or talk around my responsibilities, or even joys, of being a new mom. i emailed her to tell her about the birth of gavin and to let her know i'm back at the dissertation. her email reply began with a one line "glad to hear that you and gavin are healthy and the birth went smoothly." the rest of the email was about how important it is that i'm back to work and i'm productive and that i cannot graduate in may unless i crank this draft out in record time, blah blah blah. jesus, my baby is 2 weeks old and i'm already spending 8 hours today in my basement working on my damn dissertation. even full-time working parents get a longer maternity leave than that! i'm on my third child so i can make it work, but someone on their first would not be ready.
her email was also filled with how reading the chapters i've sent to her must take low priority because she has so many responsiblities as the incoming president of the american anthropological association. and her partner, who is now president of the international american studies association, is taking her to a conference in beijing where they have lots of work to do. and she has to give a distinguished lecture in a month, and, and, and, and..... (you can read all that as, "I'm very important. You could be, too, if you learned to focus on something other than having babies.") yes, i'm being overly sensitive. but you'd be surprised how much of what i say is an actual representation of this woman's perspecive. she is a rock star in her field, and i admire her for that, but it's just so not my goal to follow suit.
true, i'm the one who has taken the slow route to this degree by having children (three, nonetheless) before graduating. and true, it's her job as my adviser to push me, sternly if needed, toward productivity and finishing. it's not in her job description to be a personal support person to me. and it's to her serious credit that she is not even with my university anymore, yet she remains on board with me, seeing me through to the (no doubt bitter) end. i just wish she could try--feign, even--- to show a little interest and caring in me as a person, beyond how many pages i'm producing.
still, despite my blood boiling over her academic narrow-mindedness, i look down at the precious sleeping baby who is peacefully allowing me to deal with all this crap. and i remind myself that i wouldn't trade one moment of my parenting adventures for all the anthropological, ivory tower glam she enjoys every day. i've indeed taken the slow route to my degree, and i likely won't have the same driven career path i might have if i'd finished before kids, but my slow route has brought me infinite other happinesses. becoming a parent has opened up a love so fierce and memories so painfully treasured that no rock star career ever could have matched. as long as i'm happy at the end of this journey, i won't care how i got there. or even where i've landed.
10.12.2009
"Mothers of little boys work from son up to son down!"--Author Unknown
First Day of Mom Plus Three. (Da Da DUM.)
They are all (all THREE) sleeping right now, so I actually can sit at the computer and type up a blog post! I'd better not get used to this, I'm guessing. As it turns out, I think the biggest obstacle to my new life will be my own attitude. A friend called this morning and I found myself complaining that I had to change my shirt by 8:30am because it already had snot, spit-up, AND blood on it. A mother of three herself, her quick reply was "But not poop? Yeah!" I guess I needed a dose of perspective.
So far I've learned that doing this in the winter will be tough. I will absolutely have to get over my fear of leaving the house alone with all three, and of taking little Gavin out into the crowds of cold and flu season. Because if we continue to attempt to kill each and every morning at home, we may kill each other, too. I may also have to give in to my strict t.v. rules a little. Jack has made it past age 3 with watching one and only one show a day: Thomas and Friends. I decided to set up Curious George, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and Sesame Street to record on the DVR, too, so that we have options for when I really need some sit-down time. I guess you just can never say never.
Yesterday Benjamin made a face and pointed to his behind, and said "Poo." Are we potty training the wrong child? Jack is not potty training well. It was cool at first but now he's just adamant against it. He'll pee occasionaly for a few chocolate chips, but #2 is simply not happening. We even took the advice of many friends and bought him the big toy that up until now we'd just been paying lip service too. He helped put together his "big boy bike" and repeatedly asks if he can ride it, but we keep telling him that it stays in the laundry room until he poops on the potty. Then he can ride it all he wants. Still no budging. The bribes aren't working. After rinsing out a dirty pair of undies today, I decided that potty training can wait until Gavin's been around a bit longer. I guess it's a good thing we decided to wait on preschool till next fall for Jack, since the lack of potty readiness would not have been a good thing for this year's preschool plans.
Gavin had his first bath yesterday and didn't make a peep. I'll assume that meant he enjoyed it.
I love the fuzzy softness of baby hair after a bath
His hair seems to be turning blonder already (now if we could just go for green eyes...)
Our seasons have been really backwards, as on Saturday I posted snow play photos, and on Sunday we got outside for some real fall play:
Since it's been cold lately, Jack hasn't been outside much interacting with other kids. I think he's been forced to discover Benjamin as a play mate. It's kind of fun to see them play. Like all siblings, they spend 75% of their time fighting and 25% really digging each other. I like how we can't get Benjamin to eat his peas, but Jack can.
They are all (all THREE) sleeping right now, so I actually can sit at the computer and type up a blog post! I'd better not get used to this, I'm guessing. As it turns out, I think the biggest obstacle to my new life will be my own attitude. A friend called this morning and I found myself complaining that I had to change my shirt by 8:30am because it already had snot, spit-up, AND blood on it. A mother of three herself, her quick reply was "But not poop? Yeah!" I guess I needed a dose of perspective.
So far I've learned that doing this in the winter will be tough. I will absolutely have to get over my fear of leaving the house alone with all three, and of taking little Gavin out into the crowds of cold and flu season. Because if we continue to attempt to kill each and every morning at home, we may kill each other, too. I may also have to give in to my strict t.v. rules a little. Jack has made it past age 3 with watching one and only one show a day: Thomas and Friends. I decided to set up Curious George, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and Sesame Street to record on the DVR, too, so that we have options for when I really need some sit-down time. I guess you just can never say never.
Yesterday Benjamin made a face and pointed to his behind, and said "Poo." Are we potty training the wrong child? Jack is not potty training well. It was cool at first but now he's just adamant against it. He'll pee occasionaly for a few chocolate chips, but #2 is simply not happening. We even took the advice of many friends and bought him the big toy that up until now we'd just been paying lip service too. He helped put together his "big boy bike" and repeatedly asks if he can ride it, but we keep telling him that it stays in the laundry room until he poops on the potty. Then he can ride it all he wants. Still no budging. The bribes aren't working. After rinsing out a dirty pair of undies today, I decided that potty training can wait until Gavin's been around a bit longer. I guess it's a good thing we decided to wait on preschool till next fall for Jack, since the lack of potty readiness would not have been a good thing for this year's preschool plans.
Gavin had his first bath yesterday and didn't make a peep. I'll assume that meant he enjoyed it.
I love the fuzzy softness of baby hair after a bath
His hair seems to be turning blonder already (now if we could just go for green eyes...)
Our seasons have been really backwards, as on Saturday I posted snow play photos, and on Sunday we got outside for some real fall play:
Since it's been cold lately, Jack hasn't been outside much interacting with other kids. I think he's been forced to discover Benjamin as a play mate. It's kind of fun to see them play. Like all siblings, they spend 75% of their time fighting and 25% really digging each other. I like how we can't get Benjamin to eat his peas, but Jack can.
10.10.2009
it's october 10th...
and THIS is how we spent our morning:
brrrrrr.....!!!
here are a couple photos of the 4 men in my life:
both boys love their youngest brother, but it's especially fun for me to watch benjamin play the "big brother" roll, reading to gavin and kissing him all the time. the other night i did a trial run of putting benj to sleep with gavin in my arms (for the nights mike will have to work, and i'll be in charge of bedtime for all 3). i was all teary eyed as i sat there in the dark, and benjamin repeatedly patted gavin's back and rubbed his head while trying to put himself to sleep.
when it comes to babies, the "third time is a charm" rule must apply because gavin is the best, easiest, sweetest thing ever. he rarely cries or fusses, he sleeps all the time and without bother, and is cuddly and warm and downright perfect. i couldn't be more in love.
brrrrrr.....!!!
here are a couple photos of the 4 men in my life:
both boys love their youngest brother, but it's especially fun for me to watch benjamin play the "big brother" roll, reading to gavin and kissing him all the time. the other night i did a trial run of putting benj to sleep with gavin in my arms (for the nights mike will have to work, and i'll be in charge of bedtime for all 3). i was all teary eyed as i sat there in the dark, and benjamin repeatedly patted gavin's back and rubbed his head while trying to put himself to sleep.
when it comes to babies, the "third time is a charm" rule must apply because gavin is the best, easiest, sweetest thing ever. he rarely cries or fusses, he sleeps all the time and without bother, and is cuddly and warm and downright perfect. i couldn't be more in love.
10.07.2009
first week gone already
with each subsequent child, i'm reminded ever more strongly of how quickly time passes. at gavin's one week check-up yesterday, he was already 11 ounces above his birth weight. he never spits up, so i guess he just packs it in. soon he'll be rivaling his brothers for cankle size. i'm trying to savor every moment of newbornness in case i never get them again.
my doula (in the photo below) stopped by the other day and brought us a delicious meal. it's those little unexpected generosities that keep me positive about the juggling act ahead.
i have loved every aspect of the postpartum period of the homebirth aspect. i got an hour long visit 24 hours after the birth, another hour from my doula 48 hours after his birth, 72 hours after yet another hour follow-up from my midwife, and then 1-week and 2-week visits (all of these in the comfort of our home--i haven't even busted out the car seat yet to take him out of the house). it feels good to be able to nest at home, not hurried to go anywhere. all the follow-up visits for him that would usually require us to go to the ped's office (in the midst of cold and flu season, nonetheless), happen right here in our house, one on one, with the same caring people i've gotten to know over the course of the last 9 months. in fact, barring any unforseen illnesses, i don't plan to take gavin to the ped's office at all until his 2 month vaccination visit. my comfort level is so different this time. i like that not only are they doing weight checks, uterus checks, and the normal post-partumy stuff, but also spend a lot of time chatting with me about how i'm feeling, how i anticipate the challenges yet to come, if people are dropping off meals or offering to take the older kids for a morning, and if i'm asking for the help i need. i can definitely tell they take post-partum depression to heart and are on the look out for it. it's hard for me to think back on my previous two births and realize that after leaving the hospital, i had no follow-up until the 6-week post-partum check up at the OB's office. it doesn't seem like enough, now, coming from this experience. i just feel so blessed to have received the care i have gotten, and to have received the gift of a birth experience that left me feeling at peace and just simply, right.
my doula (in the photo below) stopped by the other day and brought us a delicious meal. it's those little unexpected generosities that keep me positive about the juggling act ahead.
i have loved every aspect of the postpartum period of the homebirth aspect. i got an hour long visit 24 hours after the birth, another hour from my doula 48 hours after his birth, 72 hours after yet another hour follow-up from my midwife, and then 1-week and 2-week visits (all of these in the comfort of our home--i haven't even busted out the car seat yet to take him out of the house). it feels good to be able to nest at home, not hurried to go anywhere. all the follow-up visits for him that would usually require us to go to the ped's office (in the midst of cold and flu season, nonetheless), happen right here in our house, one on one, with the same caring people i've gotten to know over the course of the last 9 months. in fact, barring any unforseen illnesses, i don't plan to take gavin to the ped's office at all until his 2 month vaccination visit. my comfort level is so different this time. i like that not only are they doing weight checks, uterus checks, and the normal post-partumy stuff, but also spend a lot of time chatting with me about how i'm feeling, how i anticipate the challenges yet to come, if people are dropping off meals or offering to take the older kids for a morning, and if i'm asking for the help i need. i can definitely tell they take post-partum depression to heart and are on the look out for it. it's hard for me to think back on my previous two births and realize that after leaving the hospital, i had no follow-up until the 6-week post-partum check up at the OB's office. it doesn't seem like enough, now, coming from this experience. i just feel so blessed to have received the care i have gotten, and to have received the gift of a birth experience that left me feeling at peace and just simply, right.
10.01.2009
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