37 weeks--check.
labor affirmations printed out and ready to stick up in birthing area for encouragement--check.
tub delivered and set up--check.

baby clothes washed and hung in closet--check.
newborn disposable diapers purchased for first week--check.
newborn cloth diapers washed and ready to go--check.
several meals in the deep freeze--check.
so why do i feel so incredibly un-ready for this child?
there are a few more items on the to-do list, like making and addressing baby announcements, finishing the landscaping around the deck, buying and setting up a storage shelving unit for benjamin's room (mainly to put all 30 of our baby blankets), packing an overnight bag for the boys if they need it when i go into labor, and sanding down benjamin's sticky door. nothing too earth-shattering, though.
there are a few other "milestones" i'm pushing to reach, which while unnecessary, holding baby in till after these dates pass would be more...convenient. the remaining goals are:
1) don't deliver till after next saturday. my parents are out of town till then, thus our plan for where jack and benjamin go will be seriously diverted.
2) don't deliver till after next monday. my doula is out of town till then. we knew about this trip before we even hired her, but decided to do so anyway since she was the best fit for us. her back-up doula was our second choice, and would do a great job, but after spending hours with the doula of our choice, it would be a bummer if she couldn't be at the birth. (note on how the villages we find ourselves in can be so small: our doula's back-up doula (diane) was who doulaed for our doula (megan) at her two births, both of which were in her home and assisted by the same midwife i'm using (cosette). so they all know and work with each other well).
3) don't deliver till after next thursday. we have tickets to see wicked that afternoon, it's opening day in dsm. after failing two other times to see this show, it would be a shame if we lost out again.
4) don't deliver till october. there is a lot more dissertation to be written!
obviously, all of these things can be worked around if i go early. he'll come on his own time and i'll accept it. but no matter how hard i try, i can't get on board yet with the coming baby.
i don't think it's about the upcoming labor. and unlike last time, it doesn't seem to be about my worries for the older kids and how they'll react to a new baby. i guess if i press myself, all my braking on this new guy is more about my worries over a lack of support system once he arrives. i feel so completely supported now, with frequent meetings with my midwife and doula, visits to the birth circles once a month, all of my days to work on the diss. since mike took time off this month, and frequent date nights we've been doing to get as many in before baby comes. but once he arrives, i see everything disappearing before my eyes and i'll be left with three kids age 3 and under and a complete lack of confidence in my ability to handle that patiently and gracefully. after a week or two, the midwife and doula disappear. mike is only taking off a week of work this time since he doesn't get paternity leave, and has to use one of his two weeks of vacation (which starts over oct. 1st, so we really don't want to use it all right away). i hardly expect my parents to help out much, and mike's mom will come when she can, but it will be for a couple afternoons here and there to entertain the older boys. i don't know when and how i'll organize a nanny schedule again to pick up where i left off with my dissertation, nor do i have a good idea of how i'll finish strong on so little sleep. in truth, i've had a big break from full-time parenting the past few months, between the nanny being here and mike being here this month. i don't even remember how i kept my cool so easily before when on round-the-clock kid duty, much less adding in a breastfeeding, needy infant to the mix. compounded by the beginning of cold weather, seasonal blues and cabin fever, i'm a little concerned (for the very first time) of a greater risk for post-partum depression.
i guess i'm a teeny-tiny bit panicked. i realize i'll just have to take it one day at a time, but at the moment that relaxed approach isn't helping me. i'm super duper jealous of a friend of mine whose husband gets 6 weeks of paid paternity leave. she had her third child recently, but seems completely unphased by it. i think if mike magically got 6 weeks off from work, i'd be in a very different place right now. well, at least a slightly different place.