It has been a long, loonnngg time. Blogging (emailing, facebooking, eating, sleeping, peeing...) has been at the bottom of my to-do list in the past couple months as I struggle to get through the days. Summer has been really hard this year as I navigate the waters of three active boys who seem to want to spend 75% of their time fighting with one another, 10% of their time destroying our home, 10% eating, and a mere 5% playing together in relative harmony. Benji has taken summer break in a particularly difficult manner. As soon as school ended he started having major tantrums, waking up more often with night terrors, and being extremely challenging as the emotional X factor of our daily lives. I attribute part of this to having to once again share time and attention with his older brother now that they aren't switching off days at preschool. I've struggled more as a parent and an individual in the past couple months than I have my whole life. On the verge of seeking out anti-anxiety meds and counseling, I couldn't figure out why my constant search to be more zen and let the little things go kept coming up as an Epic Fail. I finally decided that it's because I happen to think that learning to accept the fact that I have no control is...well, absolute bullshit. I don't think any human being on this planet can be okay with having no control. Not even a buddhist monk can do it, I'm pretty sure. Even he will have control over his meditation, his focus, his mind. I finally decided I need to start delineating between what I can have control over and what I can't. Only then will I start to accept the chaos a little bit better.
So I've let go of some responsibilities and pastimes and started to focus on those simple things that might make my life easier or, at least, more manageable. I've started turning off the computer at night so that I'm not tempted to try and "catch up" on email or Facebook, but instead pick up a book and let my mind relax. I've also chosen the arena of Food as my control center for...uh, control. I may not be able to control the fact that when they were in the basement yesterday they opened can of exterior house paint and handpainted the basement walls and floor (oh yes, they did. on the night Mike was at work till 9:30pm). But I can control what we are ingesting, where it comes from, and how it's produced. I've always loved food and have long missed cooking since childcare has taken over every waking moment of my life. I could happily spend hours in the kitchen trying out new recipes and whipping up meals. But that sort of time and energy is not simply not available when in charge of 3 young kiddos. So Mike and I have come to an agreement that he will try to start viewing my job more equally to his, which will include letting me take one "work" night a week to cook meals for the week while he is on 100% kid duty (just as I do every Wednesday evening when he works). Right now this is more important to me (and doable) than giving my attention to exercise or cleaning or anything else on my List.
I considered embarking on this little challenge:
10 Days of Real Food Challenge but I'm starting a bit smaller at this point. We've started paying a lot more attention to the food we are eating and replacing those foods with more natural options. I ask myself two questions when I am grocery shopping: 1) Can I make this? 2) If I can't make it or choose not to, can I purchase it locally from someone who does? If the answer is no to either question, I buy said product. It has helped me move away from store bought ice cream and begin making and keeping our own, it has helped me draw more on the organic veggies coming in our CSA box each week rather than from the produce area of the grocery store, and has widened our food repertoire. I can have a really hard day with the kids, but it's amazing how good I feel when we sit down to a dinner that I worked hard to make and which is full of not only nutrition, but thoughtfulness to (in the eco sense, that is). This has given me a taste of sanity in the past couple months when most of mine was absent. I've had some fun cooking experiences thus far:
We are loving the Kitchen-Aid ice cream attachment
I discovered that homemade gnocci is easy to make, simple to freeze for later, and divine to eat
no, i didn't bake these loaves but these are my inspiration for buying new bread pans. my circular loaves were nice but not easy for sandwich making. now that i see the bread pans mr. (chef) nowatzi uses, i purchased my own :)
we've moved away from pb&j picnic lunches toward homemade hummus and guacamole, or odds and ends in different containers. WOW is that a lot easier to pack up before a busy day
we love using the CSA produce to shape our meals. here are some whole wheat oat pancakes that we topped with our CSA strawberries and I served it with homemade cinnamon honey butter
I have some Jamie Oliver cookbooks I can't wait to devour this week and a whole new stack of recipes I'm eager to try. Cooking is bringing me back to life in a way. It also gives me a little space and peace when I'm in the kitchen out of choice.
Finally, I'm treading lightly and anxiously with Benjamin lately. I took him to the pediatrician yesterday for an initial consult about some strange eye blinking/winking/cringing he's been doing for awhile. I don't think it's his sight as he accurately sees billboards from miles away. He also tested fine in the office. It could be allergies, a tick disorder, or something more serious. I freaked out and took him in when he complained bitterly of headaches a couple days ago. I had visions of neurology appointments dancing in my head all night. Luckily he hasn't said anything about it since. Right now we are giving him allergy meds and eye drops in the event that is the issue, but so far no change. I don't think it's a tick disorder because he changes which eye he closes and it's not involuntary--it's obvious he's doing it on his own. Could be a behavioral habit, too, that he'll eventually tire of. Given his headaches and extreme emotional states though, I'm on close watch.
I'm weary. I've been a shitty wife and a shitty parent lately. I'm trying to get a handle on that. I will add shitty friend to the list, so I apologize to those of you who never hear from me. I promise I love you but need to get through survival mode right now. I'm attempting to tackle the first roles on this list and get those leveled off first.
Okay, enough venting :) I have quite a few photos from the past couple months to post, so I'll get to that now!
