do you sometimes feel like the universe is speaking--no, YELLING-- at you? i think this happened to me today.
it's a dissertation work day. which explains why i've posted on facebook three times and am composing a blog entry. {ahem} after mike left to take the kiddos to preschool, i decided to allow myself 10 minutes of free time to read one article out of my favorite magazine, "mothering." i opened it to the page where i had last stopped reading, finished it, and turned the page. BOOM-- the title of the next article greets me with eerie coincidence: "Managing Mama Rage."
there it is, screaming at me. yep, this article was written for me. does the author have 3 boys under the age of 4.5? no. is she dealing with the guilt and stress of an unfinished graduate degree? nope. is she building a house and wondering about the financial impact this will have on her family's future? no, again. does she deal with the mundane, every day stresses of childrearing, the incredible physical and mental toll it takes on one's body and coping strategies, and the resulting feelings of anger and inability to find peace during many intense moments throughout the day? YES.
i've been very unhappy with my parenting lately. mostly during the days when i'm with all 3 kids alone for a lonnng portion of the day. the weekends mike works are the worst. it's nothing but the "mommmy show" from 1pm on friday until 5:30pm on sunday during those weekends, and it takes a gigantic toll on me. rather than enjoying parenthood, i find that i'm a very angry person. i don't like the time i'm with my kids, nor do i like how i interact with them. i have a very hard time having fun, speaking kindly, or being a good role model as a mom, parent, or even simply as a person. all the responsibility of keeping them entertained, clean, fed, from harming each other, and just alive at the end of the day, leaves me depleted and MAD. on these days, i'm not proud of the way i talk to them, the way i handle situations when i'm with them, or the signals i send about how i feel about being with them. this just causes more guilt and more anger-- at myself. there are times on those difficult days when i wish our insurance plan covered psychological help, because i'm pretty sure a regular therapy session would be healing for me; just to be able to express all the frustration and exhaustion and anger to a neutral observer. and hell, just to get away from them for an hour or so.
i've constantly mulled over the questions of "what do i need?" "what would make this easier for me?" "who can i ask for help?" but the answers are never good. my husband is as much, if not more, depleted than i am with his two jobs and full-on parenting when he's home, his own struggle with health issues and stress. most of my friends in town have young kids of their own, and are in no position to step in and relieve my tensions while they deal with their own. grandparents are fine and dandy, but their schedules are busy and they usually have little time to truly help out during the moments i need it most. mike and i have repeatedly tried to set up a system where each of us gets to take some "me" time, be it by exercising for an hour or going solo to see a movie, but these ideas never develop into true consistency. much less do we have time for *us*, beyond the "me" moments.
and far be it for me to discuss these feelings with other moms lest i fear i come across as a lunatic who hates parenting but for some reason has chosen to be a full-time mom. admitting that you don't enjoy your children 100% of the time is not looked upon lightly by some moms; at least not openly.
so i've been trying to come up with ideas on how to handle the NOW of my anger, when it happens. aside from finding times to get out and be alone when mike is home with the kiddos, i am far more in need of strategies for coping when i'm in the moment of no return-- when the intensity of "ahh! you are killing me! can i just strap you in your carseats and leave you in the car for a half hour while i sit inside and decompress???!!!" actually crosses my mind.
so this article has been incredibly nurturing to my raging mama soul. it has reminded me that i'm not alone in my struggles to cope with depletion and lack of patience. it is shedding some light on simple strategies for taking a breather when i'm about to bust open. i'm especially grateful for the following tidbits:
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"when parents lose it, it's because we're trying to control our children's behavior instead of focusing on controlling our own. what we have 'lost' is control over our own behavior. what we have 'lost' is the ability to calm ourselves down."
an intense moment mantra: "i control my own reactions. i control my own reactions." i control only myself.
"when my instincts tell me to scream louder than the both of them, when i'm told 'you're mean!' or 'you didnt do it right' or the ever-present 'NO!', i focus intensely on *me*."
"i say to my daughters, 'mommy is feeling angry. i am going to go and take some deep breaths.' it took some practice before i could say this aloud in a neutral tone, but i know that, to be a good role model, i needed to tell them not only how i was feeling, but what i was going to do about it. growing up, i'd watched my parents lose it and yell when they were angry. i know such cycles continue because children imitate adults, and i was determined that my kids have something positive to imitate."
"if you're in a burning house, it's best to put out the fire before searching for the cause."
"the best education for a child is always based upon the self education of the adults around him."
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so i'm trying. trying to identify the scenarios for starting a fire of anger inside me, and trying to identify exit strategies for those scenarios. trying to come up with quick fixes for intense moments and more long-term fixes for avoiding the fires in the first place.
it's healing to know there are others who understand. its helpful to hear others' experiences and coping strategies. it's good to keep in mind the big picture.
