Warning: self-indulgent shameless pity rant

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you try to see the silver lining of things, but you keep falling into a deep pit of self-pity? This is one of those weeks for me. No matter how hard I remind myself that things could be so, so much worse than my teeny little stresses, I can't help but feeling sorry for myself. I'm stuck in a cloud of negativity that I can't seem to shake. So I figure I just need to vent a little with the intent of getting it out, and eventually moving on. Please navigate away from this page if it disgusts you to hear someone complain about their mostly priviledged life.

Last week I bought myself an overly expensive, indulgent birthday gift-- a silk baby sling from a merchant who is renown for her awesome sewing skills. I was able to get the customized colors and accents that I wanted. In a phrase, "dream sling." I spent $100 (yes, indulgent). But I rarely buy anything for myself, and it was my birthday after all. So I went for it. Now, it seems, the post office has lost said sling. Now I'm kicking myself for spending so much on something I'll likely never see. And I'm still left without a sling that I can get on and off in a second, which I desparately need right now. Yet I hate to spend even one penny more (even on a super cheap one) since I already lost so much $$. I should've known that purchase was too good to come true.

Mike and I are stressed as individuals, and as a couple. He has battling IBS for over a year now, and though he has hope that the chiro and acupuncture treatments will bring him eventual relief, he remains in a state of discomfort. Being sick all the time makes one unhappy, which gives them a much shorter fuse for dealing with life's everyday anxieties. For us, those every day anxieties are dealing with three young kids. He's become pretty sickly on top of this, constantly ravaged with colds and chest congestion and sore throats.... it seems his body just can't get it together. And instead of being the most compassionate wife I can be, I find myself feeling increasingly resentful that I have to pick up the slack in our parenting partnership. I just want to scream, "When is my sick day??!" It's not his fault and he does an INCREDIBLE job of dealing with the kids when he needs to. Even dealing with them on days when I attempt to write the dissertation. But it's hard. No self time for either of us, no time together as a couple, and parents who can barely stay with the kids for an hour before calling us to come home because they can't manage their grandchildren. Add to this Mike's gluten and dairy free diet, and we've got a recipe for chaotic meal-planning and general unhappiness in our household.

Dissertation. Every month I swear I'll finish this last chapter by the end of the month and move into revisions. But with a sick husband, sitters who are out of town for spring break, and a mountain of other things that never get done, I'll be lucky to graduate by August. And at $1,000 for every additional semester I stay registered, this is getting pricey.

I just can't seem to swing this as a mother some days. I try to be the best parent I can be at any given moment, but it's never enough. Never enough positive attention for Jack, never enough one-on-one time for Gavin, and not enough arms to keep Benjamin from harming himself or others. These children are literally tearing apart our house. I've got holes in the wall of each room where they've pulled out curtain hold-backs. Benjamin has gotten up early from his naps and used his chest of drawers as a climbing device, succeeding in breaking off the runners of two drawers already. This bedroom set was supposed to be something they'd have through college (the crib turns into a double bed frame), and now it's in crappy shape.

I don't have time for a deep breath. I can't finish my magazine that arrived two weeks ago. I can't find time to read through the books on vaccination to help myself feel like I can make an informed decision on what to do and when for Gavin's vaccines, yet he has his appt. on Tuesday and I'm not anywhere near prepared for it yet. I need time. To finish a dissertation, to spend one on one time with each kid, to sit in a coffee shop and read magazines, books, to journal. To call friends I havne't called back in months. To clean the damn house. To exercise more and get rid of the last 10 lbs of baby weight. To feel happy again.

Uck. I want to shake out all the negativity. After all, my kid doesn't have cancer. *I'm* not the one in this family battling IBS. I may have lost $100 on a sling, but I did not lose my job or my insurance benefits. We have more than enough. I am blessed with three healthy children and a husband who loves me. We've enjoyed a 60 degree day yesterday and two lovely playdates this week. There are plenty of things to feel thankful for. I just need to keep this mantra until all the uck passes.