to be or wish to be: that is the difference

I took Hawkeye on a walk this morning after Jack went off to daycare, since I figured it would be too hot to do so later in the day. I realize that his time spent at daycare should be time spent writing a dissertation, and yet, here I am. Back from the walk, still not writing a dissertation, but writing a blog posting. Thanks, Steph, for watching Jack so my thoughts and legs can meander a bit sans toddler. Heh.

On my walk, I found myself pondering many of the things about my life that I wish were true, followed by the realities of my life that are. I consider myself a very happy and thankful person. I'm happy with everything I have and am and love. I'm thankful for the privileges I possess, from having the choice to stay home with my children and watch them grow while they are young, to having enough $$ to buy a latte when the urge strikes, as well as an able mind and healthy body to do most things I strive to do. There are few things I would change about my life if given the chance. And I always try to remind myself of that, if not daily, then every so often. I think it's easy to get caught up in the "if only"s and the "once __ happens, everything will be good"s. Many of the challenges I face on a daily basis are so trivial that it's easier for me to keep things in perspective; there will always be more dishes to wash, more laundry to fold, another tantrum to quell, another feeding (diaper, spit up, mess...) to tackle.

With that said, I still ruminate on those things I'd like to change about myself or my life. They are minor in the grand scheme of things, but things to strive for nonetheless. I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions, though I appreciate the opportunity they provide for setting a start date for big changes in one's life. For me, changes have always come slowly and gradually, as I am the kind of personality that needs time to adjust and come into things rather than spontaneously go for it. So I'm using this little personal entry here to get my thoughts out onto...cyberspace, in order to have a list I can SEE. Which, I hope, will help me to come to some conclusions as to what I can change. Or at least what I am interested in working toward. Thinking out loud, I guess. With other people's eyes overseeing.

What I found myself thinking this morning: I wish I were the kind of person who woke up at 6:00AM every morning, feeling refreshed, no matter what time I went to bed. I wish I then took the opportunity to go for a jog while the others in the house slept, taking the dog with me to get him some exercise and one-on-one time. Upon returning from the jog, I wish I would take a shower and get dressed for the day, then make a pot of coffee and have a healthy homemade smoothie for breakfast. I wish that then I actually sat down with the newspaper (or at least the morning television news) and educated myself on current events. Then, and only then, would I feel 100% ready for the children (and husband) to get up and start their day. In reality, I doubt I could accomplish all this in the alloted 45 minutes from waking at 6 and everyone else's waking time of 6:45. But I *wish* it were that way. I've always wanted to be one of those morning people who jumps out of bed and takes advantage of the sunrise to get all sorts of things done, and enjoy some personal downtime. Goddess knows I need down time.

Continuing on with my wishlist, I wish I could truly commit myself to working REALLY HARD for the full 4 hours at daycare (pending Benjamin's cooperation). I wish I would feel a sense of accomplishment after every work day, knowning I have the ability (not just the potential) to really finish this thing. Hey, while we're wishing, I wish the dissertation was already finished and PhD in hand, so I could focus on other wishes. But that's just wishing away. Teehee. I wish I was committed to dissertation work as I am to blog postings.

I wish that instead of considering myself "on the verge" of making a healthy lifestyle change (in terms of exercise and diet), I would just do it. I wish I would make time to exercise every single day, no matter what. I wish I would push myself to make healthier choices with snacks, no matter what. I have the ability, I just don't have the motivation. I wish I would do this so I could finally lose the extra 25 lbs of baby weight (from *both* pregnancies) and snuggle into a comfortable and healthy BMI again, along with a stronger sense of self-esteem (okay, okay, and pants that actually fit).

I wish I would take more time in the evenings away from the television, and outside with a book, instead. I wish I took more time to read for fun, period. Not just parenting magazines, but fiction and non-fiction and newspapers and even books on Puerto Rico.

I wish to cultivate a hobby. I have no hobbies. I'm serious. I don't know how to knit (and attempts at crocheting went horribly wrong), like many friends. I don't have a particular sport I choose to take part in. I don't do art (though I'd love to have the talent to do so). I have a black thumb, so gardening is out. I enjoy cooking, and I do my fair share, but it's usually in the form of "go, go, go!" to get as much done as possible and move onto other things. I love to travel, but, well, you know the answer to that right now. And can travel really be a hobby? Reading could be a hobby. But we've already covered that.

I wish I still volunteered at local animal shelters. I miss that. It was terribly rewarding. Of course, I spent so much time at the IC shelter in the cat room, that I spent a lot less time on my comps. But I digress from wishing.

I'm at the point now where I'm wishing I spent less time wishing and more time doing. So what can I do.... looking at this list, I think it's safe to say that all my wishes are doable given the motivation and commitment needed to accomplish them, but given my current circumstances (two kids under two and a dissertation to finish), they are not doable all at once.

The reality of my mornings is that I wake up when Mike and Jack wake me up at 6:45. I may get a shower in if I'm quick. Otherwise, I only have enough time to get dressed and try to juggle Jack's breakfast, Ben's morning feeding, and packing Jack's bag for daycare. Once he and Mike walk out the door, I try to wash up the breakfast dishes, eat my own breakfast, get Benj snuggled into the wrap, and exercise Hawkeye in whatever form. At this point, it's usually 8:30am. I pick Jack up from daycare at 11:45am (ish). This can be used as good work time, but inevitably some of this time gets spent catching up on email, finishing odd jobs around the house I started the evening before, and putting out small fires created by Benj and Hawkeye. When I finally sit down to work in earnest, it takes awhile to get into the groove. Then I finally do, and get on a definite streak of productivity, and realize that it's 11:30 and I need to get Benj out of the wrap, changed and fed before having to pick Jack up. So I'm usually running late to daycare. Good thing it's only a 5 minute walk. Then it's lunch time, get Jack down for nap time, and usually I try to get back to whatever I'm working on with the diss. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. Jack naps for 2 hours while I try to get diapers washed, an afternoon snack prepared before he gets up hungry, dishes again, prep for dinner done, and Hawkeye exercised (yes, again.) Of course, this entire day is puctuated with countless diaper changes of two children and feedings for Benj. Once Jack gets up, I have an hour to entertain him in the backyard or otherwise until Mike comes home. When Mike gets home at 4:15ish, he takes the boys and I finish getting dinner ready. We eat at 5:15ish, then have a bit of playtime left until Jack starts his bath/bedtime routine at 7pm. I usually start feeding Benj while Mike puts Jack to bed, since at 7pm he starts his "I need to sleep and thus need to nurse constantly" routine. Mike comes downstairs, we watch a Netflix or whatever taped on the DVR that evening, and go to bed. Done. That's my life, pretty much every day. It's happy and fine, but I do love the weekends and Mike's other days off when I can mix it up a bit by actually LEAVING the house to, gasp, go to Target or grocery shopping or whatever else.

I realize none of you care to read the narcissistic details of my daily life. As I said, this entry is more for me than anything else. But writing it out helps me to see where I have room for change and where I need to just accept things as they are.

What probably won't change any time soon:
--I think it's safe to say that volunteering is out for awhile, as it takes a good stretch of time to leave the house and do it. Once Benj is no longer nursing so often, maybe I can fit it in.
--reading the newspaper in the mornings
--learning a new hobby
--becoming a morning person....I could *try* to get up at 6am, and maybe I'd eventually get used to it, but it's darn hard to do so. I can admit that.

What could definitely change:
--I can certainly make better efforts to use all daycare time on diss. work
--I can obviously commit to healthier eating, and maybe even a jog once a day after Mike gets home from work
--I could attempt to read a book in the evenings and take a pass on t.v. (this means about 0% time spent with Mike on weekdays, but I guess we don't talk much during a movie anyway...)

Okay, this is good. For me. To know what I want to do and what I, in reality, will take the time and effort to do. I think this list will be good for me to look back on. Thanks, folks, for allowing me the indulgence of pondering aloud.