what bothers me the most is my adviser's complete inability to appreciate me as a WHOLE person, with joys and weaknesses and pursuits outside of (or even in addition to) my academic, intellectual pursuits. she consistently refuses to acknowledge me as a parent, or show any interest or concern about my family or personal life. i used to consider her a mentor in my pre-kids life, but now i can barely see her more than as an intellectual adviser. for me, a mentor is supportive of you holistically, and helps you reach your goals while cultivating a happy balance in your life. my adviser is simply unable to do that. she has an obvious disdain for anything that detracts from one's intellectual pursuits, and she all but tolerates that her students have children along the way of their dissertation journeys. it's a sad thing to feel that i have to hide or talk around my responsibilities, or even joys, of being a new mom. i emailed her to tell her about the birth of gavin and to let her know i'm back at the dissertation. her email reply began with a one line "glad to hear that you and gavin are healthy and the birth went smoothly." the rest of the email was about how important it is that i'm back to work and i'm productive and that i cannot graduate in may unless i crank this draft out in record time, blah blah blah. jesus, my baby is 2 weeks old and i'm already spending 8 hours today in my basement working on my damn dissertation. even full-time working parents get a longer maternity leave than that! i'm on my third child so i can make it work, but someone on their first would not be ready.
her email was also filled with how reading the chapters i've sent to her must take low priority because she has so many responsiblities as the incoming president of the american anthropological association. and her partner, who is now president of the international american studies association, is taking her to a conference in beijing where they have lots of work to do. and she has to give a distinguished lecture in a month, and, and, and, and..... (you can read all that as, "I'm very important. You could be, too, if you learned to focus on something other than having babies.") yes, i'm being overly sensitive. but you'd be surprised how much of what i say is an actual representation of this woman's perspecive. she is a rock star in her field, and i admire her for that, but it's just so not my goal to follow suit.
true, i'm the one who has taken the slow route to this degree by having children (three, nonetheless) before graduating. and true, it's her job as my adviser to push me, sternly if needed, toward productivity and finishing. it's not in her job description to be a personal support person to me. and it's to her serious credit that she is not even with my university anymore, yet she remains on board with me, seeing me through to the (no doubt bitter) end. i just wish she could try--feign, even--- to show a little interest and caring in me as a person, beyond how many pages i'm producing.
still, despite my blood boiling over her academic narrow-mindedness, i look down at the precious sleeping baby who is peacefully allowing me to deal with all this crap. and i remind myself that i wouldn't trade one moment of my parenting adventures for all the anthropological, ivory tower glam she enjoys every day. i've indeed taken the slow route to my degree, and i likely won't have the same driven career path i might have if i'd finished before kids, but my slow route has brought me infinite other happinesses. becoming a parent has opened up a love so fierce and memories so painfully treasured that no rock star career ever could have matched. as long as i'm happy at the end of this journey, i won't care how i got there. or even where i've landed.
1 comment:
Hang in there Brandy!! She obviously doesn't have any kids herself, otherwise she probably wouldn't be as cold as she is. Or at least I would hope that she doesn't have any kids with the way that she is treating you for doing so. You're in the home stretch. . . and then you'll be done with these people :)
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