this shows how much i truly adore this child because ain't nobody touchin mama's outrageoulsy expensive but completely vital tub of sour cream.
12.23.2010
chip off the old block
gavin seems to be well on his way to inheriting my infatuation with nachos.
this shows how much i truly adore this child because ain't nobody touchin mama's outrageoulsy expensive but completely vital tub of sour cream.
this shows how much i truly adore this child because ain't nobody touchin mama's outrageoulsy expensive but completely vital tub of sour cream.
12.20.2010
foddery
thanks to my mother-in-law for the most thoughtful gift i could get: an IOU gift certificate for one date every month with my husband while she watches the kids; good for all of 2011. the best gifts are the ones we truly need but would never ask for.
---------------------
bapa john and his grandboys on his birthday
uncle adam and da boyz
pajama buddies
meal swap group holiday dinner out 2010
blue candy cane head
Benjamin's Preschool Holiday Sing-a-long
Being snakes during the animal song
Jack's preschool holiday sing-a-long
the gingerbread boy runs off
Hooray!
---------------------
bapa john and his grandboys on his birthday
uncle adam and da boyz
pajama buddies
meal swap group holiday dinner out 2010
blue candy cane head
Benjamin's Preschool Holiday Sing-a-long
Being snakes during the animal song
Jack's preschool holiday sing-a-long
the gingerbread boy runs off
Hooray!
musings
yesterday i was talking to jack about the fact that we don't have a christmas tree this year because there isn't room in the apartment, and our stockings and decorations are all packed away in storage. but i wanted him to be excited about the fact that we'd still have an exciting christmas morning at grandma and grandpa's house. so i told him we'd just get up on christmas morning and jump in the van and head to their place to see what santa brought. i guess i was a little bit too animated in my attempt to get him excited, because after quietly listening to my spiel, he looked at me with a very unexcited face and said, "Calm down." it was a glimpse into the teenage years. i laugh everytime i think of this moment.
---------------------------------------------------
random thought.... i've made some new friends (separately, not as a group) recently and have found out they are mormon. given my perspective on spirituality, i find this intriguing; that every time i make a new playdate i find out the new family is mormon. and then i realized that what drew me to these women is our shared experience of parenting 3+ kids, closely spaced. i think my desires to have a big family are more akin to the ultra religious than to the typical lefties i congregate with. not wholly so, but more than i had previously given thought to. i love interacting with a wide spectrum of people and find the diversity refreshing. so long as we don't get into the nitty gritty of our philosophical differences, things are kosher. (ha, play on words.) but yesterday one of the new friends gave me the book of mormon as a christmas gift. i was truly hoping to avoid the "convert, convert" mentality i've experienced with this gruop in the past. i plan to write an honest thank you for the heartfelt gift, with a gentle response. hopefully its received as its intended.
---------------------------------------------------
random thought.... i've made some new friends (separately, not as a group) recently and have found out they are mormon. given my perspective on spirituality, i find this intriguing; that every time i make a new playdate i find out the new family is mormon. and then i realized that what drew me to these women is our shared experience of parenting 3+ kids, closely spaced. i think my desires to have a big family are more akin to the ultra religious than to the typical lefties i congregate with. not wholly so, but more than i had previously given thought to. i love interacting with a wide spectrum of people and find the diversity refreshing. so long as we don't get into the nitty gritty of our philosophical differences, things are kosher. (ha, play on words.) but yesterday one of the new friends gave me the book of mormon as a christmas gift. i was truly hoping to avoid the "convert, convert" mentality i've experienced with this gruop in the past. i plan to write an honest thank you for the heartfelt gift, with a gentle response. hopefully its received as its intended.
12.12.2010
oh, what to do in the winter
you have to be creative when playing hide & seek in an apartment
gavy's hat is a teeny weeny bit too big
all the windows are now in.
temporary front door! still dang cold in there, though.
gavy's hat is a teeny weeny bit too big
all the windows are now in.
temporary front door! still dang cold in there, though.
12.10.2010
hello, universe
do you sometimes feel like the universe is speaking--no, YELLING-- at you? i think this happened to me today.
it's a dissertation work day. which explains why i've posted on facebook three times and am composing a blog entry. {ahem} after mike left to take the kiddos to preschool, i decided to allow myself 10 minutes of free time to read one article out of my favorite magazine, "mothering." i opened it to the page where i had last stopped reading, finished it, and turned the page. BOOM-- the title of the next article greets me with eerie coincidence: "Managing Mama Rage."
there it is, screaming at me. yep, this article was written for me. does the author have 3 boys under the age of 4.5? no. is she dealing with the guilt and stress of an unfinished graduate degree? nope. is she building a house and wondering about the financial impact this will have on her family's future? no, again. does she deal with the mundane, every day stresses of childrearing, the incredible physical and mental toll it takes on one's body and coping strategies, and the resulting feelings of anger and inability to find peace during many intense moments throughout the day? YES.
i've been very unhappy with my parenting lately. mostly during the days when i'm with all 3 kids alone for a lonnng portion of the day. the weekends mike works are the worst. it's nothing but the "mommmy show" from 1pm on friday until 5:30pm on sunday during those weekends, and it takes a gigantic toll on me. rather than enjoying parenthood, i find that i'm a very angry person. i don't like the time i'm with my kids, nor do i like how i interact with them. i have a very hard time having fun, speaking kindly, or being a good role model as a mom, parent, or even simply as a person. all the responsibility of keeping them entertained, clean, fed, from harming each other, and just alive at the end of the day, leaves me depleted and MAD. on these days, i'm not proud of the way i talk to them, the way i handle situations when i'm with them, or the signals i send about how i feel about being with them. this just causes more guilt and more anger-- at myself. there are times on those difficult days when i wish our insurance plan covered psychological help, because i'm pretty sure a regular therapy session would be healing for me; just to be able to express all the frustration and exhaustion and anger to a neutral observer. and hell, just to get away from them for an hour or so.
i've constantly mulled over the questions of "what do i need?" "what would make this easier for me?" "who can i ask for help?" but the answers are never good. my husband is as much, if not more, depleted than i am with his two jobs and full-on parenting when he's home, his own struggle with health issues and stress. most of my friends in town have young kids of their own, and are in no position to step in and relieve my tensions while they deal with their own. grandparents are fine and dandy, but their schedules are busy and they usually have little time to truly help out during the moments i need it most. mike and i have repeatedly tried to set up a system where each of us gets to take some "me" time, be it by exercising for an hour or going solo to see a movie, but these ideas never develop into true consistency. much less do we have time for *us*, beyond the "me" moments.
and far be it for me to discuss these feelings with other moms lest i fear i come across as a lunatic who hates parenting but for some reason has chosen to be a full-time mom. admitting that you don't enjoy your children 100% of the time is not looked upon lightly by some moms; at least not openly.
so i've been trying to come up with ideas on how to handle the NOW of my anger, when it happens. aside from finding times to get out and be alone when mike is home with the kiddos, i am far more in need of strategies for coping when i'm in the moment of no return-- when the intensity of "ahh! you are killing me! can i just strap you in your carseats and leave you in the car for a half hour while i sit inside and decompress???!!!" actually crosses my mind.
so this article has been incredibly nurturing to my raging mama soul. it has reminded me that i'm not alone in my struggles to cope with depletion and lack of patience. it is shedding some light on simple strategies for taking a breather when i'm about to bust open. i'm especially grateful for the following tidbits:
------------
"when parents lose it, it's because we're trying to control our children's behavior instead of focusing on controlling our own. what we have 'lost' is control over our own behavior. what we have 'lost' is the ability to calm ourselves down."
an intense moment mantra: "i control my own reactions. i control my own reactions." i control only myself.
"when my instincts tell me to scream louder than the both of them, when i'm told 'you're mean!' or 'you didnt do it right' or the ever-present 'NO!', i focus intensely on *me*."
"i say to my daughters, 'mommy is feeling angry. i am going to go and take some deep breaths.' it took some practice before i could say this aloud in a neutral tone, but i know that, to be a good role model, i needed to tell them not only how i was feeling, but what i was going to do about it. growing up, i'd watched my parents lose it and yell when they were angry. i know such cycles continue because children imitate adults, and i was determined that my kids have something positive to imitate."
"if you're in a burning house, it's best to put out the fire before searching for the cause."
"the best education for a child is always based upon the self education of the adults around him."
------------------------------------------
so i'm trying. trying to identify the scenarios for starting a fire of anger inside me, and trying to identify exit strategies for those scenarios. trying to come up with quick fixes for intense moments and more long-term fixes for avoiding the fires in the first place.
it's healing to know there are others who understand. its helpful to hear others' experiences and coping strategies. it's good to keep in mind the big picture.
it's a dissertation work day. which explains why i've posted on facebook three times and am composing a blog entry. {ahem} after mike left to take the kiddos to preschool, i decided to allow myself 10 minutes of free time to read one article out of my favorite magazine, "mothering." i opened it to the page where i had last stopped reading, finished it, and turned the page. BOOM-- the title of the next article greets me with eerie coincidence: "Managing Mama Rage."
there it is, screaming at me. yep, this article was written for me. does the author have 3 boys under the age of 4.5? no. is she dealing with the guilt and stress of an unfinished graduate degree? nope. is she building a house and wondering about the financial impact this will have on her family's future? no, again. does she deal with the mundane, every day stresses of childrearing, the incredible physical and mental toll it takes on one's body and coping strategies, and the resulting feelings of anger and inability to find peace during many intense moments throughout the day? YES.
i've been very unhappy with my parenting lately. mostly during the days when i'm with all 3 kids alone for a lonnng portion of the day. the weekends mike works are the worst. it's nothing but the "mommmy show" from 1pm on friday until 5:30pm on sunday during those weekends, and it takes a gigantic toll on me. rather than enjoying parenthood, i find that i'm a very angry person. i don't like the time i'm with my kids, nor do i like how i interact with them. i have a very hard time having fun, speaking kindly, or being a good role model as a mom, parent, or even simply as a person. all the responsibility of keeping them entertained, clean, fed, from harming each other, and just alive at the end of the day, leaves me depleted and MAD. on these days, i'm not proud of the way i talk to them, the way i handle situations when i'm with them, or the signals i send about how i feel about being with them. this just causes more guilt and more anger-- at myself. there are times on those difficult days when i wish our insurance plan covered psychological help, because i'm pretty sure a regular therapy session would be healing for me; just to be able to express all the frustration and exhaustion and anger to a neutral observer. and hell, just to get away from them for an hour or so.
i've constantly mulled over the questions of "what do i need?" "what would make this easier for me?" "who can i ask for help?" but the answers are never good. my husband is as much, if not more, depleted than i am with his two jobs and full-on parenting when he's home, his own struggle with health issues and stress. most of my friends in town have young kids of their own, and are in no position to step in and relieve my tensions while they deal with their own. grandparents are fine and dandy, but their schedules are busy and they usually have little time to truly help out during the moments i need it most. mike and i have repeatedly tried to set up a system where each of us gets to take some "me" time, be it by exercising for an hour or going solo to see a movie, but these ideas never develop into true consistency. much less do we have time for *us*, beyond the "me" moments.
and far be it for me to discuss these feelings with other moms lest i fear i come across as a lunatic who hates parenting but for some reason has chosen to be a full-time mom. admitting that you don't enjoy your children 100% of the time is not looked upon lightly by some moms; at least not openly.
so i've been trying to come up with ideas on how to handle the NOW of my anger, when it happens. aside from finding times to get out and be alone when mike is home with the kiddos, i am far more in need of strategies for coping when i'm in the moment of no return-- when the intensity of "ahh! you are killing me! can i just strap you in your carseats and leave you in the car for a half hour while i sit inside and decompress???!!!" actually crosses my mind.
so this article has been incredibly nurturing to my raging mama soul. it has reminded me that i'm not alone in my struggles to cope with depletion and lack of patience. it is shedding some light on simple strategies for taking a breather when i'm about to bust open. i'm especially grateful for the following tidbits:
------------
"when parents lose it, it's because we're trying to control our children's behavior instead of focusing on controlling our own. what we have 'lost' is control over our own behavior. what we have 'lost' is the ability to calm ourselves down."
an intense moment mantra: "i control my own reactions. i control my own reactions." i control only myself.
"when my instincts tell me to scream louder than the both of them, when i'm told 'you're mean!' or 'you didnt do it right' or the ever-present 'NO!', i focus intensely on *me*."
"i say to my daughters, 'mommy is feeling angry. i am going to go and take some deep breaths.' it took some practice before i could say this aloud in a neutral tone, but i know that, to be a good role model, i needed to tell them not only how i was feeling, but what i was going to do about it. growing up, i'd watched my parents lose it and yell when they were angry. i know such cycles continue because children imitate adults, and i was determined that my kids have something positive to imitate."
"if you're in a burning house, it's best to put out the fire before searching for the cause."
"the best education for a child is always based upon the self education of the adults around him."
------------------------------------------
so i'm trying. trying to identify the scenarios for starting a fire of anger inside me, and trying to identify exit strategies for those scenarios. trying to come up with quick fixes for intense moments and more long-term fixes for avoiding the fires in the first place.
it's healing to know there are others who understand. its helpful to hear others' experiences and coping strategies. it's good to keep in mind the big picture.
some things that have made me happy today
1) Jack "reading" his "Hooray for Fly Guy!" book almost verbatim.
2) Benjamin singing "Hello Neighbors," which he learned at preschool.
3) Gavin running around naked and dancing to the credits music on Merry Madagascar.
4) Having just enough milk to add to my espresso this morning.
5) Finding a magazine article that speaks so perfectly to an issue I've been dealing with lately.
6) The anticipation of Shelly's famous holiday cookies, to be delivered tomorrow.
2) Benjamin singing "Hello Neighbors," which he learned at preschool.
3) Gavin running around naked and dancing to the credits music on Merry Madagascar.
4) Having just enough milk to add to my espresso this morning.
5) Finding a magazine article that speaks so perfectly to an issue I've been dealing with lately.
6) The anticipation of Shelly's famous holiday cookies, to be delivered tomorrow.
12.04.2010
random photos of recent and not so recent happenings
I just found the card that allows me to upload photos from my phone. Here are some recent and not so recent pics:
Santa!
Jack is learning how to write the letters in his name at preschool. He was playing with blocks the other day & asked for help with the "c" (he was having trouble figuring out how to make a "c" with no curved blocks) and the "k". But he did most of it himself, and was so proud!
We went down to visit Mike's parents last weekend and the older boys spent a couple hours outside with Grandpa. I consider this an exercise in free range parenting, since I left them to Grandpa's "eh, he'll be alright" complete surveillance. It's best when I don't know what they are doing (though I did shudder a bit when through the window I saw them ride away in his pick-up, sans car seats) so that I can't freak out and try to intervene. They came back in one piece with only a bloodly lip to show for their morning. Then we discovered that 242 hay bales is better than any bounce house on the planet!
Tractor riding with Grandpa
Hawkeye loves farm life.
Some summer photos stored away in my phone... Benji feeding the parakeets at the zoo
Jack adores Gavin so much
I love this one
Santa!
Jack is learning how to write the letters in his name at preschool. He was playing with blocks the other day & asked for help with the "c" (he was having trouble figuring out how to make a "c" with no curved blocks) and the "k". But he did most of it himself, and was so proud!
We went down to visit Mike's parents last weekend and the older boys spent a couple hours outside with Grandpa. I consider this an exercise in free range parenting, since I left them to Grandpa's "eh, he'll be alright" complete surveillance. It's best when I don't know what they are doing (though I did shudder a bit when through the window I saw them ride away in his pick-up, sans car seats) so that I can't freak out and try to intervene. They came back in one piece with only a bloodly lip to show for their morning. Then we discovered that 242 hay bales is better than any bounce house on the planet!
Tractor riding with Grandpa
Hawkeye loves farm life.
Some summer photos stored away in my phone... Benji feeding the parakeets at the zoo
Jack adores Gavin so much
I love this one
Windows!
Okay, I am fully aware that no one is ever as excited about another person's home building adventure as the person him/herself. So I am cognizant of keeping our discussion of the details to ourselves, and not bringing up the home building process or frustrations or excitements or...just details...in every conversation. It's really not important to anyone but us, and I get that. But I drove by yesterday and saw that we now have (most of) our windows put in. I got a little excited, and I walked through and took some photos. And because a blog is expected to be a spot for at least a little narcissism, I'm going to post them here for journaling reasons :)
Windows! We're still missing one window here (on the upper left side, the guest bedroom will have a decorative window with a curved top)
Windows in back of house
I took this from inside the den/office (which for us, will be a playroom). Crazy how strange a house looks before drywall is put up!
Someday when you come to visit, you will enter here (hopefully by then there will be a front door :)
Entry way into family room (on left), dining area and kitchen (to right)
Future family room (fireplace will be between two sets of windows)
View of pond outside family room window (As much as we loved the decorative window grates on all the front windows, we asked the builder to leave them off all the windows on the back of the house. The #1 reason we chose this location is to have a view of the water from all our back windows, and I didn't want any decorative grates breaking up the view from the windows :)
Future kitchen (i.e., where I will likely be spending a LOT of time)
In front of the dining area will be the sliding glass door that leads to the deck/backyard:
From kitchen, here I'm looking into what will be the laundry room, mudroom, and further, the garage. This, of course, will actually be drywalled.
Stairs leading into the basement
Basement (this will be unfinished for several years, but it is plumbed for a bathroom, so someday when we have a fair amount of savings built up again, we'll add a guest bedroom and bathroom in the basement, as well as a recreation area)
This is the front stairway, and there will be a platform in front of those high windows where I predict my cats will spend the happiest of days
Here is an irony: for the people who rarely spend money on clothes and have 0% interest in shopping, this will be our walk-in closet:
(I keep telling Mike that we could use it as a nursery for child #4, but he is not amused)
Best part of our master bedroom will be the view ("Good morning, geese!"):
It will get really excited as drywall goes up and flooring goes down, and all the little touches that we have chosen get put into action. I'm still anxious to hear back on whether or not my chosen exterior color scheme is a "go." Once I know for sure on that, it will really start to feel like OUR home.
Windows! We're still missing one window here (on the upper left side, the guest bedroom will have a decorative window with a curved top)
Windows in back of house
I took this from inside the den/office (which for us, will be a playroom). Crazy how strange a house looks before drywall is put up!
Someday when you come to visit, you will enter here (hopefully by then there will be a front door :)
Entry way into family room (on left), dining area and kitchen (to right)
Future family room (fireplace will be between two sets of windows)
View of pond outside family room window (As much as we loved the decorative window grates on all the front windows, we asked the builder to leave them off all the windows on the back of the house. The #1 reason we chose this location is to have a view of the water from all our back windows, and I didn't want any decorative grates breaking up the view from the windows :)
Future kitchen (i.e., where I will likely be spending a LOT of time)
In front of the dining area will be the sliding glass door that leads to the deck/backyard:
From kitchen, here I'm looking into what will be the laundry room, mudroom, and further, the garage. This, of course, will actually be drywalled.
Stairs leading into the basement
Basement (this will be unfinished for several years, but it is plumbed for a bathroom, so someday when we have a fair amount of savings built up again, we'll add a guest bedroom and bathroom in the basement, as well as a recreation area)
This is the front stairway, and there will be a platform in front of those high windows where I predict my cats will spend the happiest of days
Here is an irony: for the people who rarely spend money on clothes and have 0% interest in shopping, this will be our walk-in closet:
(I keep telling Mike that we could use it as a nursery for child #4, but he is not amused)
Best part of our master bedroom will be the view ("Good morning, geese!"):
It will get really excited as drywall goes up and flooring goes down, and all the little touches that we have chosen get put into action. I'm still anxious to hear back on whether or not my chosen exterior color scheme is a "go." Once I know for sure on that, it will really start to feel like OUR home.
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